I'm not sure she exists. I'm beginning to realize that the battle with fear and worry is one that most, if not all, expectant moms have in common. Just start typing any pregnancy question or symptom into the Google search bar and it has already been searched...about a gazillion times. After going through a miscarriage, I assumed that my fears were just amplified (and they may be a little bit), but this constant worry is not uncommon whether you have lost a baby or not.
A couple of weeks ago I found myself frustrated any time I was offered advice on how to cope with worrying about the baby. Yes, I know I need to "give it to God" and I know that "it's out of my hands" (for the most part), but for some reason I still called my doctor excessively or Googled any and every symptom I was having.
At some point the reality hit me. This baby is not really mine at all...it's God's. It was and always will be His. It's such a simple truth really, but my constant worry hid it from me. I continue to pray for the health of the baby, but now I do it with a much more grateful heart. I'm so thankful for this baby, I know that it belongs to God and I just pray that He allows us to raise it.
Yes I still struggle with fear almost every day, but the simple truth that this baby is God's has brought me an overwhelming peace, even in the midst of worry. Slowly but surely I am teaching myself to step away from the keyboard when I feel anything abnormal. Let's be honest...you experience a lot of abnormal things when you are growing a human for the first time.